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Last Updated: Thursday, 27. May 2004 22:26 -0400

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Courtney

Come on!  We need something fresh!  Survivor this, Fear factor that!  This reality TV thing is getting old…  Fast.  We need something fresh, something new!  We need some way to do something unprecedented, before this crappy Reality TV fad dies down… 

 

Bethany

You’re speakin’ my language now!  We’ve gotta do something that’s never been done before, or else we’ll fail…  I know!  Let’s go back in time 25 years, to 1980! 

 

Courtney

To do what?  Wear ugly hair styles and fight communism?

 

Bethany

No!  We’ll capture two specimens of 80’s society, and lock them in a room for 25 years!  Then, in the year 2005, they can come out! 

 

Courtney

Good idea!  We can watch them with a camera or something, and then we’ll make a show!  But where are we going to get a time machine?

 

Bethany

I built one, right over here!  Let’s go!  *Into the hallway.  Cooley Door.  Run to other entrance.*

 

Justin

Like, 1980. 

 

Franky

Quiet Barf Bag! 

 

Justin

That isn’t the bomb…  That’s the antibomb.  You’re butt ugly.

 

Courtney

*walking up*  Oh no!  80’s slang!  Hey, you two, look at that! 

 

Justin

What’s that?

 

Franky

I don’t see anything… 

 

Justin

Is this a trick!?! 

 

Courtney

Um…  Yes.  Er, I meant no!  No, it’s not a trick! 

 

Justin

Okay, that’s great… 

 

Bethany

*Conk em both out.  Do the Gouyoop death noise*

 

*Courtney and Bethany – Drag a body each into the back room.  Laugh, high five and run back into the hallway*

 

Kyle

*From the hallway*  25 years later…  *Walk into the room*  I should blow up some building.  I hate the government and it’s evil, imposing ways.  Too bad people think just because McVeigh died, our movement is dead.  Hah!  I’ll show them…  Just wait…  My day will come! 

 

Justin

Hey, fag! 

 

Franky

You’re butt ugly! 

 

Justin and Franky

Fresh!  *high five*

 

Kyle

Don’t cross me!  What do you want!?!

 

Justin

Oh, we just wanted to ask why you’re dressed like such a hoser!

 

Franky and Justin

Fresh!  *high Five*

 

Kyle

Don’t you two know what a psychopath is?

 

Franky

Vaguely…  Why do you have a bomb?

 

Kyle

I haven’t decided yet!  I was thinking about following the new movement of the 90’s…  Terrorism! 

 

Justin

Terrorism!  What!  You already look scary enough!

 

Franky

Yeah, I guess you’re already a terrorist!  Ha!

 

Justin and Franky

Fresh!  *high five*

 

Kyle
Well, some people have never been happy with America.  The incident at Waco began because The ATF started investigating the Dividian Branch compound at Waco, Texas.  There the cult had stashed plenty of assault rifles and automatic weapons.  The "dividian branch cult" knew that their leader, Koresh, was the divine savior described in the bible.  He had stockpiled weapons and food in anticipation of the "evil people" coming to kill him and prevent the salvation of humanity. 

 

Justin

That’s lame, Joanie! 

 

Kyle

What’d I tell you!  Janet Reno, the evil lady, made the call to call for a siege of the complex. The siege lasted more than 50 days.  The ATF pumped teargas into their hideout, and somehow a fire started.  The fire resulted in the death of 76 cultists.  Only 9 survived.  Later, everyone figured out that Koresh had commanded his followers to commit mass suicide, and that the fire may have been caused either by that, or pyrotechnic grenades used by the agents. Only 4 ATF agents died. 

 

Justin

That’s uncool.  If I was out of that stupid room in February of 1993, when the Waco Texas incident happened, I would be sure to think the government acted too harshly.  They only fought back!  America was the aggressor!  But that doesn’t explain why you’re going to blow something up… 

 

Kyle
Well, this guy named Timothy McVeigh decided to blow something up because he was mad about Waco!  I figured I could do the same thing!  On Apr. 19, 1995, a powerful bomb exploded in front of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City.  It was the deadliest terrorist attack in U.S. history, and killed almost 170 people and wounding more than 500. Within days federal authorities took Timothy McVeigh and Terry and James Nichols as suspects.  McVeigh was executed later, and he was confident to the end that he had done the right thing. He was also said to have connections with U.S. right-wing paramilitary groups that hold extremist antigovernment views. I guess I’m one of those guys!  But this was just the start of terrorism.  The US is a powerful nation, and when a race doesn’t like our policy they can’t go to war with us…  So instead, they might fly a plane into two skyscrapers and the pentagon…. 

 

Franky

Well, I like the government…   In the 80’s there really wasn’t a reason to hate the government too much… 

 

Kyle

Will you hold this for me?

 

Franky

Sure – wait, no way!  Eat my shorts!  *run out the Cooley Door, chased by Kyle*

 

Courtney and Bethany

*Enter the room via Ringo door* 

 

Bethany

Well doc, I think I’m sick again…

 

Courtney

Come on, the Gulf War syndrome isn’t real…

 

*Justin and Franky come in via Ringo door*

 

Franky

What are you two gals doin?

 

Courtney

GET BACK!  *fake mace in eyes.  Run out cooley door*

 

Franky

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

Bethany

Heh, looks like your stupid friend got sprayed in the eyes.  Brings back memories of the gas attacks in the war…

 

Justin

You look a little young and…  Not dead, to have been in Vietnam…  What war were you in? 

 

Bethany

Vietnam?  Nah, I was in the Gulf War…

 

Justin

What year is it?

 

Bethany

It’s 2005… 

 

Justin

Oh…  Dude! 

 

Franky *rolling on floor, writhing in pain. 

What?

 

Justin

We were locked in that room for 25 years!  We have to find the people who put us in there! 

 

Bethany

Oh!  You’re those two from that new reality TV show we’ve been seeing commercials about. 

 

Justin

What reality TV show?  What’s a reality TV show? 

 

Bethany

Well, you’re on this new show called “Roomates”  You were locked in a room for twenty-five years to see if you could adapt to the world of 2005! 

 

Justin

This is bogus!  Franky, we lost 25 years of our lives!  We’re 45! 

 

Franky

Chill man…  We’ve gotta find some way to get back to 1980. 

 

Bethany

Oh, will you guys mention me when you go on TV? 

 

Justin

Sure!

 

Bethany

Okay, well, just make sure you mention the Gulf War and what happened…

 

Justin

What happened during the Gulf War?

 

Bethany

Oh yeah…  That’s right….  You came from the past; you don’t know what it is!  Let me explain…  There’s this dictator in Iraq named Saddam Hussein.  In 1990, on July 17th, he accused the neighboring nation of Kuwait of overproducing oil and hurting the other Arab nations.  In August of that same year Saddam invaded Kuwait, and annexed it several days later.  President Bush said he would not stand for this annexation. 

 

Justin

President Bush?  Why don’t they just call him president--

 

Bethany

Shhhh…  Moving on, on August 22nd, the US started calling up rserves and soon invasion was accepted by the UN.  The air war started January 17th at 2:38am, 1991.  The Air war was one that was owned by the US. 

 

Justin

Always has been, ever since Vietnam.  America loves air power.

 

Bethany

Our superior fighters destroyed more than a third of Iraq’s tanks very quickly, and began bombing Iraqi cities.  The air campaign continued alone, with high effectiveness, until nearly the end of January, when the ground war began.  Less than a half a month later we Marines had Saddam’s army crippled, which was already seemingly on the verge of surrendering just to escape his horrible nation.  April 6th, he surrendered.

 

Justin

Thank god that turned out better than Vietnam…  How many thousands died and how many major protests were there?

 

Bethany

That’s just the thing!  There wasn’t any Vietnam scale protests, and less than 200 Americans died! 

 

Justin

Wow!  What was it like being alive then?

 

Bethany

Well, everyone got real patriotic and backed the troops.  We wanted to show we supported them, unlike in Vietnam.  The Gulf War was very well accepted, and the government still tries to use it like it’s a war where no one got hurt except for the bad guys…. 

 

Justin

So why are you in the doctor’s office?

 

Bethany

Well, there’s this thing veterans supposedly got.  The Pentagon denies it, and no one has found a cause…  It’s called the “gulf war syndrome.” 

 

Justin

So, anyways, now that you’ve told us about the Gulf War, you mentioned that “Reality TV Show” thing…  Do you know where I can find the headquarters of the reality TV shows and tell them we want our lives back? 

 

Bethany

That’s laughable…  But yes, I do know of such a fabled place…  It’s in that direction *point at Cooley door*

 

Justin

Alright, thanks for the help.  Franky, get up! 

 

Franky

I can’t see…  Let me wait here and get some help in the hospital… 

 

Justin

Franky…  *terminator voice*I’ll be back.  *everyone leaves.  Bethany and Franky Ringoside, Justin via Cooleyside*

 

*Justin reenters room via Cooley door.  Kyle has already come in the Ringo Door*

 

Kyle

*Do some fake Kung Fu..  Make sure it is DISTINCTLY Kung Fu.* 

 

Justin

Oh my god!  A ninja! 

 

Kyle

I’m not  a ninja…  I’m a Juditsu Tusishu master.  It’s my own fighting style, if that’s not real…  I’m visiting from China.

 

Justin

Oh no!  It’s a communist!  Are you here to unleash your ninja fury on America? 

 

Kyle

No… 

 

Justin

So then I suppose you like capitalism and hate communism?

 

Kyle

Actually, yes!  I was involved in Tianmen Square over 16 years ago.  I’ve come to give a seminar about how to plan a revolt.

 

Justin

What were you involved in at Tianmen Square?

 

Kyle

Well, Tianmen was in Beijing, next to the Museum of National Revolution.  The word itself means the Gates of Heavenly Peace.  In April of 1989, us students gathered to mourn the loss of Hu Yaobang, a sympathizer with our cause.  Quickly, it turned into a violent protest.  Others planned to *quoetey fingers* hold “anti-Japanese or procommunist parades”, but instead created a revolt. 

 

Justin

So China had a civil war?

 

Kyle

Not really, good sir…  Instead, China sent in ten to fifteen thousand military troops to quell the revolt.  By May 20th, the prime minister of China had declared martial law.  Later, on June 2nd, teargas was fired at protestors, and protestors fought back with rocks.  All, how you say…  Hell broke loose… 

 

Justin

Did the military get involved?

 

Kyle

On June 3rd, the army started attacking civilians, and the civilians fought back, flipping APCs and using Molotov cocktails.  In the end, 2,600 civilians were killed, though estimates vary, and over 7000 wounded.  In the confusion, soldiers fought other soldiers, and there are rumors of rapes.  I helped beat a soldier to death with my crazy kung fu skills. 

 

Justin

How come you’re giving this seminar in America?  Does it pertain to Americans at all?

 

Kyle

It was the start of major revolts against communism, I believe.  In 1989, the Berlin Wall fell, signaling the end of communism, and I believe that it’s not simply a coincidence that the year is the same.  Please don’t beat me to death!  I don’t wanna die! 

 

Kyle

I won’t kill you…  I’m a man of peace…  Except for in that square… 

 

Justin

Ahhh!  *Run away*

 

*Kyle and Justin leave through Cooley door*

 

*Russian Enters via Ringo door, Justin enters from Cooley door.  Looks panicked.*

 

Justin

Hey, man, you’ve gotta help me!  I just ran away from a communism who’s trying to unleash his ninja fury on me! 

 

Franky

What, you think communism is bad?  *put on communist hat* 

 

Justin

Who, hey, no, I don’t mean to offend you Mr. Russian sir…  Please, don’t take me back to the USSR and have me killed!  *get down on your knees*

 

Franky

The USSR doesn’t exist any more…

 

Justin *arm pump*

YES!  The US finally used its nukes! 

 

Franky

No, we met a more peaceful fall… 

 

Justin

How?

 

Franky

Well, my journey back to Russia took about 29 years, because of where I came from…  I was in a police car in 1960, and I managed to escape and roll to a stop.  I was in a moving police car, note, so I rolled pretty far.  I rolled all the way to Russia, actually…

 

Justin

That sounds a little hard…

 

Franky

Yeah…  There’s an ocean between California, where I was captured, and Russia, so it took a REALLY long time…  Anyways, when I showed up, it was 1989, and Russia was beginning to fall. 

 

Justin

How did Russia fall?

 

Franky

I thought every American pigdog would be gloating about our defeat!  Or maybe this is just your way of rubbing it in, pigdog!  If it is, you’ll burn in hell with the rest of your pigdog friends! 

 

Justin

Calm down!  I was just locked in a room for 25 years with a friend who, oddly enough, resembles you…  I don’t know what happened, honestly…  But I’m willing to learn!  Will you teach me?

 

Franky

Alright…  It all started with the events that lead to the Berlin wall’s destruction, on November 9, 1989.  October 3rd, 1990, a little under a year later, East Germany failed because of its terrible economy.  Because of the poverty, Germany was finally reunited. 

 

Justin

Wow, I never thought that would happen.  I bet in 1990, when that all happened, people never expected to see communism fall because of its economy. 

 

Franky
Well, insurgents also toppled some governments.  In the December of 1989, Nicolae Ceausescu, the leader of Romania, was overthrown by his own pigdog citizens.  Pigdog Lech Walesa from Poland led a movement to change the government and he succeeded when he was elected in 1989. The Earn Bloc was falling, and the Iron Curtain crumbling. 

Justin
Why did Communism fail?

Franky
Communism, which sounds like a utopia on paper, fails under human attempts.  The system needs involvement from all the countries in the world, which was not happening because of stubborn pigdog capitalist nations. Small countries such as the African nations and many of the Eastern Bloc could not sustain itself without a workable economy, leaving poverty to the citizens. 

Justin
Odd that the Soviets always had enough money to build more nukes…

Franky
Well, the weapons race and the contest to see who has the greater technology between the U.S. and U.S.S.R. had spent much of the Communists nation’s money, which was diverted from helping the populace living under their rule.  The people living under the Communist rule in the nations could no longer endure the conditions they were living in and demanded a change.

Justin
I remember that in the 30’s people feared a communist revolution in America because people were poor…  The grass is always greener when you’re out of money, I guess…  Greener than the money you want, I guess…  

Franky
Greed is another reason communism always seems to fail…  Gorbachev, who rose to power in the U.S.S.R. in 1985, tried to stop this disaster of failing Communism.  His most famous actions he took to try boost Communism back to working order was two reforms, glasnost and perestroika. 

Justin
Those sound like hazardous chemicals… 

Franky
They are Russian Words…  Glasnost gave freedom of speech to everyone, and perestroika was a series of economic reforms. The reforms weren’t as effective as he had hoped they would be, and the people used their newly acquired right of speech to criticize him and the Soviet Union.  The U.S.S.R. soon began to tear itself apart.

Justin
Interesting...  Free speech holds America together…  But it tore the Soviet Union apart…  I think that’s because our government allows people to speak out when there’s only a little need for reform, and the holes get fixed, but in communism, the people were oppressed for so long they had MANY complaints… 

Franky
Well, the USSR was torn apart and disassembled, nation by nation…  The Baltic Region nations were the first to demand to leave the U.S.S.R.  Next came the southern part of the Soviet Union.  With the end in sight, on August 19, 1991, a group of dedicated Communist believers led a coup d'etat kidnapped Gorbachev and told the public that he was too “ill” to lead. Protests across the country erupted, even in Moscow.

Justin
Protests are no big deal…  We had tons in the 70’s against Vietnam…  I suppose Communism slowly let in capitalist things like protests and free speech and that lead to its fall?

Franky
I’d blame the economy, mostly, pigdog.  The USSR tried to bring in the military to stop the protests but the soldiers declared they cannot shoot their own people and rebelled alongside them.  

Justin
Wow!  No mindless loyalty from the proletariat there! 

Franky
After the protests in August during the kidnappings, Gorbachev realized he could no longer have the power to control his people.  He resigned on December 25, 1991, Christmas…  I supposed it was a gift to you pigdogs.

Justin
Isn’t it odd that the very things that allow America to continue to grow killed the Soviet Union? 

Franky
Isn’t it odd you’re dressed like you lived in the 80’s?  *Do the ear phone thing* Hey, 1980 called…  It wants its clothes back! 

Justin
I told you how that happened!  After Gorbochev left office, though, what happened?

Franky
By January, the U.S.S.R. no longer existed, replaced by the “Commonwealth of Independent Republics”, an organization for some of the former U.S.S.R. nations. A total of 15 independent republics appeared after the Soviet Union collapsed.  Today most of the people living in the nations of the former Soviet Union still suffer poverty conditions.

Justin
We are the champions!  No, time for losers, unless you have some more facts to teach me

Franky
I have no more to say to a pigdog that would see the defeat of Mother Russia!  We’re deadlier now than ever before, selling our nuclear secrets to terrorists! 

Justin
Yeah right…  I’m going on to the next scene… 

Franky
You haven’t seen the last of our nukes!  We’ll be back!  We’ll be back! 

*Everyone retreats through Cooley door.  Courtney enters through Ringo door*

Justin
Hey.  Do you know how to get to the headquarters of reality TV?

Courtney
No, but if you find out, let me know!  I need to find them to talk about the last reality TV show they put me on, Survivor: Grenada…  Turns out it wasn’t like the other Survivor shows where they vote people out…  It was truly survivor! 

Justin
I’m a little skimpy on my Grenada history… 

Courtney
Say no more!  It’s one of the smaller, more successful wars that America got itself into…  In the late 70’s Grenada was overthrown by Maurice Bishop.  He made a communist government in 1979.  Under his rule, Grenada started to build an international airport, with Cuba’s help.  Reagan then accused Grenada of helping the communist nuclear presence in the Caribbean.

Justin
Just like the commies had done with Cuba in the early 60’s?

Courtney
Exactly!  The Grenada Missile Crisis was what we were trying to avoid.  Another Marxist Government took control of the government in Grenada on October 19, 1983, and six days later US troops waded onto the beaches of sunny Grenada. 

Justin
Thank god Grenada is a lot smaller than Vietnam…  This Operation looks like another Vietnam starting…

Courtney
In Operation Urgent Fury, 7,000 US troops and 300 from the other Caribbean nations fought Grenadan and Cuban troops.    Luckily, this war wrapped up very quickly, with only 19 Coalition deaths.  US forces encountered 887 advisors from other communist nations, proving the connection between the nations.

Justin
Does that mean that Russia was trying to get nukes in the Caribbean?  Well, at least America was right in this war, I guess… 

Courtney
We were.  The Caribbean nations had even asked for us to go to war with Grenada.  However, to the portion of the world that thought of the US as an imperialist nation, this only furthered that belief. 

Justin
Right…  Well, I’ve heard about Grenada and Iraq now, two successful wars America was involved in with great success, are there any other important conflicts?  I wanna make sure I’m well learned, by the time I go to the Headquarters of Reality TV. 

Courtney
Well, there’s Bosnia… 

Justin
Bosnia?  Where’s that?

Courtney
I don’t blame you for not knowing its name…  It changes a lot.  Bosnia is in the tiny area of the world occupied by many different races, united hundreds of years ago…  Against their will.  Like many of the nations in the Middle East have the Kurd populations, left over without a nation, so they are spread among many, the drawings of the borders there left much to be desired. 

Justin
So they have the same blood hatred as many other parts of the world? 

 

Courtney

We’re here live, on this prerecorded reality TV show…  That is scripted.  But real…  We considered calling this show Contradiction, but didn’t… 

 

Bethany

That’s right…  You’re watching the show Roomies, where we trapped two ordinary men from 1980 in this room…  You’re live at the unveiling, as we open the door that contains…  The men from the past…

 

Courtney *dramatic voice*

The Roomies…

 

*open the door and walk in*

 

Bethany

Guys?  Guys?  Oh my god!  The 80’s people have escaped!  We have a code six!  Set up the quarantine zone!  Run! 

 

Justin *run in through Cooley door*

Hey!  You’re that lady that hit me with a box! 

 

Courtney

There’s one of em!  Camera, rush him!  Remember, we STOLE his private life!  We’re on a reality TV show!  Forget about his rights! 

 

Justin

Wait!  I need my 25 years back!  Is there any way to get them back? 

 

Courtney *price is right voice* 

A new car!  Complete with orange paint scheme, the Opel Speedster is a brilliant addition to anyone’s garage…  *fast voice* Car is not really referring to car but rather “toy car” at 1:42 scale…

 

Justin

That doesn’t really fix my life…  Anything else you can offer? 

 

Courtney

Two million dollars!  That’s right, over 200 million pennies, all for you!  Given you can guess the secret word! 

 

Justin

Crap…  Okay, 400,000 words in the English language, no hints…  I’m looking for one…  It could be vicarious…  No…  Maybe rampant…  No…  Maybe fo shizzle?  No, they wouldn’t put izzle language in there…  Um…  Zealot. 

 

Courtney

Is that your FINAL answer?

 

Justin

Yes.

 

Courtney

Is that your final final answer? 

 

Justin

I guess…

 

Courtney

*dramatic pause* Congratulations, the two million is yours!  Have fun with your friend, wherever he is, because you’re now multimillionaires…  Barely…  We have a tax collector backstage to start with the deductions. 

 

Franky

*Run in the door*  TV producers!  Good!  I need to broadcast my message!  I have to warn you about a man named Justin Gilardone!  He will rise to take over the world in 2021! 

 

Courtney

Oh my god!  It’s the Men in Black!  They’re back! 

 

Bethany

You know about future politics?  What can you tell me about politics up until about 2010?

 

Franky

Well, keep in mind this is all speculation, but I don’t see much positiveness in the world…  The Middle East, the cul-de-sac of problems, doesn’t see to have a solution any time soon.  The blood hatred between nations will only solve itself in hundreds of years or if one of the sides completely wipes the others out.  The Israel Pakistan situation is one of the problems that will also continue to get worse…

 

Bethany

Come on!  Who can’t guess that!  Does the Middle East situation LOOK like it’s getting better?

 

Courtney

Yeah, we don’t have airtime to waste with you unless you tell us something new…

 

Franky

Alright…  How bout Africa?  Pretty much the same thing for anything below the Sahara.  Civil wars will remain bountiful.  We do live in a violent age… 

 

Courtney

The bloodiest century ever…

 

Franky

You have no idea…  North Korea is also a colossal, now nuclear, thorn in everyone’s side.  America or China seems to be planning to do something about the Korean problem…  There is a new fad among nations, created to some extent with America’s invasion of Iraq.  If your enemy might become a threat, you destroy them early.  It justifies war, at least for super powers… 

 

Courtney

Think India and Pakistan might try that?

 

Franky

If either side could guarantee themselves a win, I can’t see why not… 

 

Courtney

Will Russia remain docile?

 

Franky

I think so.  They have great manpower, but the biggest threat from Russia are their former scientists, who have fallen into the control of the many anti-American terrorist groups.  Funny that Russia’s fallout is worse than the actual Cold War…  At least Russia had some fear of nuking us… 

 

Courtney

We already know about that also, what else is there?

 

Franky

Well, a lot of battlegrounds are reopening.  Bosnia caused World War 1, and it’s back.  There have been many, many wars in The Middle East, and they’re back.  Israel has a shortened lifespan because of it.  They’ve gone a long time with peace, relatively, and that’s all about to end… 

 

Courtney

Will the US do anything about that?

 

Franky

Not in 2010, are they able to.  We have too small a fighing force.  America still has troops in Bosnia, Iraq, GERMANY and KOREA!  We haven’t fought there for 60 years, and we still have troops in Germany and Korea!

 

Courtney

That could spell defeat for America…  Any other predictions?  How bout that mongrel Canada?

 

Franky

Oh yeah…  Canada is pissed off…  People have been ignoring them for the last…  Well, 200 years…  They just started their killing spree.  They started in Turkey…  They said something about wanting to call it Chicken… 

 

Courtney

Seriously?

 

Franky

No…  The problems of the next 20 years are in the Middle East and southern Asia.  The biggest problems are that we can’t fix their problems…  They hate eachother because their parents and teachers taught them to hate.  Indians want to kill Pakistanis because they were told to.  Arabs want to kill Israelis because they were told to.  Nothing can be done to fix that hatred in a few years… 

 

Courtney

Ha!  You told us all about future politics! 

 

Franky

Crap!  You’re right!  I wasn’t supposed to do that!  HQ always nags me about that..  “Agent F, don’t tell people about Hitler” “Agent F, don’t tell people about Bush” “agent F, clean your room.”  STOP NAGGING ME!  I have the PEZ Emitter for a reason!  Speaking of which, I need all of you to stare at the PEZ emitter. 

 

The Rest *Stare Blankley like they do in the movies*

The world is peaceful and there is no MIB.  Any questions? 

 

Justin

Where am I?  Who am I?  Why are you all dressed like such hosers?   

 

Courtney

Well, I'm leaving... 

Justin

Yeah...

*dissipate*